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|Tuesday, August 16th, 2011|
|Wow, just wow.
I don't know even know who's even on here anymore but I guess that's less the point. I've been reading through older posts of mine. And let me just say, I'm so happy that this has stayed up to let me relapse into my old musings and interactions with people. It gives me an eery insight into who I used to be and what I thought I stood for. Its strange (albeit normal) how time and life experiences change you enough to almost not recognize the person that wrote those sentences in the past. I went through a very rough year of losing people to that ever present entity that is death. That was 2008 and I don't think I've ever fully recovered. I'm trying very hard to get back into my old crazy yet optimistic mindset. I guess that's why I want to get back into writing. To get some of these invasive cobwebs out of my head. I think when I was younger I was into someone reading what I wrote and "getting" what I had to say or at least empathizing on some level. Now I think I just want to write to write and what better place than an old journal site that most have passed by. I digress. I hope this will be the first of many rants and re-entries back into expressing myself in non-destructive ways. Current Mood: blah
|Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007|
Its funny how you can know someone for so long and have them be such a part of you and everything in your life that every time you talk to them there is nothing but pure shame wrapped in annoyance/anger over the smallest thing. That there is this fucking ridiculous barrier of past and present shit that you can't sort through to get back to the person that you were and that you first met. Its fucking stupid and sad and shouldn't matter but it does. Its this pulsing living organism that feeds on our every arguement, every miscommunication. The sad thing is that we want there to be calm sea's around us. To have a decent friendship. The basis of what we started with in the beginning. Why is it so fucking hard for both of us? We both try so hard to set things right, to see the other person perspective. But its fucking pitch black. Like five years of wandering in the darkness catching glimpses of light through the shadows of trees. We still don't know one another, maybe we never will. It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sorry for the things I say and the person I am. For the way I take things and how I come off sometimes. I don't know how to be anybody but myself though. I want it to make sense. I want the knot to unravel. I want...maybe I just want too much. Current Mood: confused
|Friday, June 29th, 2007|
|wow, honest and horribly true..
So the sun is up and I'm drunk. I realize that there is something wrong with this because I'm trying to hide it from my roomates. If your guilty drinking early in the evening by yourself you might have some sort of something going on inside. I guess the problem for me is that I can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I mean, I have alot of shit going on thats depressing but I've been through much worse. Its like I don't have any serotonin left in my body or something. I just have this weird void of emotion. I'm usually pretty upbeat about most things. You know, looking for the humor in day to day life and all. But, lately, that has disappeared for some reason. I've tried to push myself back into martial arts or video games or anything really to keep myself occupied. I have plenty of really awesome friends around me, its not like I'm some sort of social outcast with no means of support or interaction. I guess I'm writing this in hopes of excercising something or bringing something to the surface thats making me like this. As a side note for anyone who doesn't know me very well. My whole family consists of addicts in some form or another. I'm not exaggerating. I'm afraid to walk down that path myself. So whenever I get like this I kind of freak out a little. Furthormore, anyone that knew me before I moved to Kansas City knows I've been in that place before. Its not something I would ever like to get back to. Lots of information for people tonight eh? I think thats all I got for now. Just a massive ball of confusion and empty space. Don't worry, I'm confused as much as you are. Current Mood: apathetic
|Sunday, October 8th, 2006|
|Self medication is the key to survival...
I'm sick of laying in bed. I hate not being able to do things for myself or being able to be mobile at all. I thought things were kind of shitty before but this has given me a better perspective of things I think. I say that now but I might be whining again in a few weeks. I'm still waiting on the appraisal guy to come check out my motorcycle. I don't know if he's going to total it out of just give me a check to get it fixed. And I don't even know when I'm even going to be able to ride again. I don't know how long it takes a broken ankle to heal. All I know is that it fucking hurts all the time. I wonder how the screws they put in are going to effect my mobility and such. The doctor said that I would be able to kick things again, so thats a plus. Yeah, so, stuck in bed, no girls, no rear window-esk situation (just a back yard), and too miserable to even play video games. This is a weird weird world I'm living in. Current Mood: bored
|Friday, October 6th, 2006|
|Weird, a survey on my page..
IF YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST,
Iwant to know 28 things about you.I don't care if we've never talked,never liked each other, or if we already know everything about eachother. I really don't. You are obviously on my list, so let me knowwith whom I am friends!
1.Your Middle Name:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
1. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if i asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?
|Sunday, September 10th, 2006|
|re re re re: high school poetry contest I'm the winner!
Fuck myself for being weak
for crawling into my rabbit hole
for being a beggar of touch
bittersweet poison readily consumed
with the passion of a starving man
Life is pretty fucking confusing and crazy and I guess everything it should be. A stagnant life is a life not being truly lived. I keep trying to tell myself this. That change is good. I hate being in this weird state of coming out of a really long relationship and not knowing how to act around girls or how to trust my feelings about anything. New job is going pretty well. I like it much better then dealing with all of the retail drama. I go out alot now. Trying to make myself a better pool player. Or at least thats what I tell myself as I'm walking out the door to mask the true thoughts and feelings of going out to drink away my problems. I'm smart enough to know that time will make this all transparent and better but too much of a compulsive person to not have the patience to wait it out with any semblance of a sane person.
one more random thought for the road...
I longed for this storm
watched it build at sea
as the wind picked up
my body felt alive
now as the debris of my old life
swirl around me
I want to wind to subside
to catch my breath
to see clearly
even on a windy day Current Mood: creative
|Sunday, March 12th, 2006|
So I'm 26 and still feeling like I'm much younger in my outlook on the world and my life ahead of me. I always feel like I'm waiting for something. Not that I'm necessarily expecting something to be handed to me, just not knowing what to do because I don't know what I even want. I should be on top of this by now. Whenever I think of going to school I get kind of excited but depressed at the same time at the thought of starting something to get me into a career and closer to the end of my life. I always associate the two for some reason....sometimes I drink now without even knowing why...like I'll be drinking a beer and thinking; "why am I even drinking this right now, is there some sort of deeper unhappiness that is driving me to drink?" I'm fond of drinking as much as the next person, but I realize the difference between social drinking and drinking to hide from something. Relationship isn't going so hot. Same differences separating the two of us once more. Her having focus and answers to what she wants and me be uncertain and uncommiting to the most basic steps in finding myself. Wait, I can't really say that, I feel like I'm trying to figure this thing out every day of my life. I guess not taking the steps she think I should take. When we argue it comes down the the fact that we don't understand one another even after all this time and that makes me think that we should just let it go once again. Got Depeche Mode tickets for this may. Happened to be online when I saw they were coming and that the tickets went on sale the same day at noon, time + 11:58=good tickets. Britts show tuesday at the Brick, his birthday day Wednesday starting at Dave's, and my demise, all this and more later this week....
|Tuesday, December 27th, 2005|
So I have no idea where I am going in life right now. With that said, I'm sure the rest of this post will be boring and will make no sense. I am torn in between staying in Kansas City where it is comfortable/uncomfortable, moving back to Orlando, and moving to Chicago to take a huge chance. I feel like I've subconsciously bought into all the movie/pop culture stuff about having some sort of purpose in life I'm supposed to find. Maybe not some sort of purpose, maybe just a higher level of fulfillment. I'm too old to be doing the job I'm doing. Its lame. Maybe I'm getting too grandiose with my perceptions and thoughts about how life should go. Is there a way life should go? I feel really grateful to have the options I have been born into life. You know, not living in absolute poverty, or under some sort of dictatorship (insert leftist joke). I feel like I'm constantly living for tomorrow and not enough for today. At the same time I'll take time to do these weird living in the moment zen things. Am I Woody Allen asking too many questions about life? I realize the irony of writing that in a sentence form. I'm afraid of getting old and just having a mediocre job and life to show for it. I think that's one of my worst fears. Maybe I am truly part of that generation that expects too much. But why wouldn't I be? I agree with that statement that technology has brought us all together but at the same time has made us feel more isolated and alone. Throughout time they say that the point of us evolving and developing the tools and housing and governments and grocery stores and banks and cars and utensils and all those things we take for granted is to make life easier. If it is to make life easier and give you more time to yourself, why wouldn't you then question your existence and where you stand in your individual life? I mean, you have the time to right? And as each generation comes around, I don't think its necessarily expecting more out of life, its having the time to think about it. Whenever I start to think like this I quell it and tell myself I'm sounding like someone in high school questioning life too much. But when I do push it down I feel like I'm running on autopilot. I don't think life should be like that. I guess I work with too many people that are like that anyway. I'm not putting myself on some sort of self realization pedestal. I don't know what they're thinking or why they act the way they do. I only have the tools I have to perceive what I perceive to be they're reality. And those tools are full of filters and generalizations I have developed over my twenty six years in life. I grow weary of droning on and on though. This rant will have to continue another day. My computer ate the first version of this that I liked much better. sigh. Good inspiration comes once around for me... Current Mood: contemplative
|Tuesday, May 10th, 2005|
|The mundane existence of everyday life is killing me...
But yet I'm happy to watch the news and realize that I don't have it so bad with the lack of religious genocide and such...I like making people laugh, as lame as it may seem. I think that is one of the only things that makes life fun to me. I waste my time every day in work doing things that insult what little bit of intelligence I have on bland projects. I know I'm from florida, but come on people...Our kick boxing fight is the 27th of this month. I'm pretty nervous since I trained most of the fighters. I hope I did well enough. training someone and fighting yourself are two totally different things I realized during this whole mess. I'm excited though. I think everyone will do well. And I learned how to do it better next time. A friend of mine went to Canada this week. I think I might visit there next time I get the chance. He said it was a really laid back America with less crime. Hmmmmmm. I need to get to Europe though. Obviously I need lack of sun and green hilly region. done and done. Current Mood: contemplative
|Tuesday, February 1st, 2005|
Fucking kickboxing training is sucking my will to live. I can't drink the sweet nector of alcohol like I used to. I actually don't even think I'm supposed to be drinking at all. Ah....eh....oh well. Builds character. Life is pretty much a blur of work and training. Nothing really of any consequence or interest to rant ignorantly about. Hopefully I'll start using the program josh downloaded for me to learn the bass better. Simple instrument to learn, maybe I'm just an idiot. Been distant from everyone. I don't know. Just one of those phases. However I seem to find time to type in this thing. Easy to hide behind typed words. Don't have to maintain any sort of conversation. Blah. Thats about it. Oh, and I've renewed my interest in Claire Danes. Lame.
|Tuesday, December 21st, 2004|
|Fuck you santa you fat fuck!
So the point was really cool last night. I decided to be like this guy ordering a drink before me and have some Patron Silver tequila to go with my pbr. Ah sweet fucking jesus it was good. And now I'm wondering how I can get up the money to get a bottle for myself. The seductrice Tamra was there of course. Along with Travis, Stephanie, Jason, Emma, Jeanna, Josh, etc etc... I got into a altercation with the camel grrrl and came out of it with one of those cool light up pens. I'll be very happy when this whole christmas mess is over with. I think christmas will be my day of drinking day. How happy is that? I'm still planning the ole new years eve party. Never been cool enough to have a party before so this is new. Well, never really had the space. I've always been cool, I mean, come on, look at me. My head is still in a fuck over what to do about girls and the adverse effects that they have on me. I'm a scared little boy trying to figure out whether or not I want to grow up or live in this blissful gray area. "screw it, they're dead and your not.." Current Mood: contemplative
|Tuesday, December 14th, 2004|
|::insert something witty here::
My brain is not working enough to do this, but here I go. So even though I'm getting tired of posting about my insights into what the hell is wrong with me, I'm going to do it some more. Why you may ask, if you have made it this far down the page without getting bored. Well, I was thinking that it is a great way to get out what your subconcious is telling you. I think thats why I like typing better then writing sometimes for just that reason. Writing seems to take much longer, and with typing you can pretty much just type what you are thinking while you are thinking it. Girls are to be my demise. I know the ring of that is pretty old, but I feel the need to express it just the same. Maybe its more along the lines of my lack of self control that could be my demise. I'm a little torn between the romantic side of my nature and the I like to make out without any sort of heavy commitment new side of my nature. Blah. That doesn't make sense. Britt actually gave me good advice on that whole thing. "If you have to question it then your not ready.." And now I think I do nothing but question it. Then I ask myself, why the fuck am I out trying to meet people and such. I mean, its nice to hang out, but nicer to hang out with a cute girl. I'm fucking 25, why am I even asking myself these questions. I'm supposed to be all about random make out sessions. Ah, fuck it, if anyone just got out of a long relationship or has in the past, please respond to this and give this lame boy some advice on how to just get out and shake my booty on the floor. Current Mood: sleepy
|Wednesday, December 8th, 2004|
So I don't know what the hell I am feeling right now. I'm really fucking sad. I don't know what the hell is going on. I just got done painting my kickboards on the staircase. You would think that there would maybe be some sort of sense of accomplishment. Not really....fuck!
"Strange attraction spreads its wings, it varies but the smallest things, you never know how anything will change....strange attraction spreads its wings, it varies but the smallest things, you never know how anything will fade..."
"Silly boys do stupid things
like when no one is looking
they try on lovers wings
awkwardly they flap
struggling for the sky
with breathless kisses
that make the heart sigh
eyes closed in that dreamlike state
only when they feel themselves falling
do they start to wake
reality and the ground
they're new embrace
sheepishly they look around
and put the wings away
hearts don't fly well sometimes
even on clear days..." -jims big book of bad poetry Current Mood: listless
|Tuesday, December 7th, 2004|
I feel like I'm tumbling into some sort of vast nothingness. Like there is no concrete future for me. Maybe its because I have no real long term goals. Well, none that I have put much energy into. I can't even figure out myself much anymore. I like living day to day like I do (yes, I realize the obvious of me saying this), but its disconcerting to be in this void. I don't even know when I can have another relationship yet. What is the time limit on something like that? When do you trust yourself and what your feeling again? Its awful, but I like being single but I like being with someone. Its fucking confusing. I think I look at a relationship as some sort of entrapment, which I know logically that it isn't. But all the same, I feel I have more time to do things I want to do without answering to anyone without it. Blech. I sound like a fuck. I know everyone is, but I'm tired of work. I wish I had more time just to do the things I want to do. Or just more time in general. I need to get my life in order somehow. I doubt this is going to happen anytime soon, but just the same. This has been another bland and cliche rant... Current Mood: tired
|Tuesday, November 9th, 2004|
|Alcohol is sweet nector to those who crave release from the mundane
Ah, how the evening was sweet with the atrocities propitiated by myself in my drunken state of being. Fuck all of the awkwardness with being single and doing the whole interaction thing with the other gender. I think I talked to like five girls this evening with no problem that wasn't readily fixed with paps blue ribbon to help the conversation flow. A dependency you might say, but oh no, more like a conversation piece subvertly disguised in a can. Maddys car broke a tie rod on the way down the hill which could have proven fatal. Ok, the ranting is done for the evening that is passing by the moment. I will end with "Brit, i don't know how you do it". -jimb. Current Mood: excited
|Wednesday, October 13th, 2004|
"You watched as your brains fell out through your teeth, push the pieces in place, make your smile sweet to see". Its funny how one conversation can change your whole outlook on everything. Just fucking words. I think words can make you more happy then any drug or physical thing. Kate, thanks for being the cynical word-smith that you've always been. I need the dose sometimes. Bittersweet is my life as of late. So many really good things happening mixed with chaos and confusion. Its actually great way to live. It makes you feel alive and back in touch with yourself. Not in the bad touch way. I've found Eric and Christie to be better friends then I ever thought them to be. I'm going to bring over my Aqua Teen Hunger Force dvd to watch with Eric tonight. Louis was supposed to call me back two days ago, I don't know what the hell is going on with that. Pisses me off I guess. I know he's not a phone person, neither am I. Its a fucking chore to catch up with him though. Now I'm just rambling pointless inner thoughts, thats what this is for right? Its funny how Nathan and I seem to have a better friendship when we don't live in the same town then when we live in the same apartment building. I think he can't stand how much better I am then him. (extreme video game challenge) Josh and I had a conversation last night about religion and how if there was a god why the fuck would he care about whats going on with each person. Like why would god care if you did any of the sins? The only thing I can think of is that it would be to perpetuate humankind so we don't massacre everyone. That, and each society has different ideas of right and wrong. If god is this infinite being why would me throwing a goat at a small child be such a bad thing. Does it really fuck up his purpose for us as beings? Could God be so vain that it would be offended if you did any of the things organized religion tells you not to? Like take acid in church? I was thinking last night, if god is this infinite being, why the fuck would he be wasting his time on us? What do we really have to offer to the table? War and reality tv? Thats one of the only big things that our species has come up with. We have overcome all other species to make a way to completely wipe ourselves out. If thats not ungodly self destructive behavior, I'll go to church. When you think about it, it all comes down to tribal territory type disputes. Which country has the biggest cock cannon to challenge all the other countries on the playground. And naturally you really can't stay out of the game because nobody will let you. Not without being ostracized and beat down with embargo's. And you can put all the reasons and technicalities behind it, but it really comes down to just humans running everything. You think because they are in this elevated state of power that they are something special, but they shit, vomit, fuck, eat, exist like everyone else. They are prone to all the emotions and predispositions as the rest of us to cloud they're judgment on running each country in relation to the rest of the world. This is jumbled and not making much sense, I sound like an annoying coffee shop patron, so this is where I end it. Such an uneducated sounding rant in hindsight. Current Mood: hungry
|Sunday, October 10th, 2004|
|Delusional thoughts of a mind clouded by sickness
Yeah so Darla made me sick. Eric and I got pulled over Friday night and he went to jail. Its probably going to rain today. And I'm misserable. I think I might go out to the hammock in the back and read. I'm still recovering from this whole breakup mess. The one good peice of news I have got is that Katie has found another place to live. I don't think that we can stand living together much longer without something exploding. With her trying to run from whatever she is feeling about the whole thing and my anger with the rejection aspect of this. I guess time with tell as they say. I am still trying to come down at the end of the month 22nd to 31st or so. I have the time off of work I'm just trying to work on the whole financial aspect of it. A.K.A an actual plane ticket. I think that might help. I've been reading alot I think to get my mind off of this whole mess. I like to read anyway, but I've noticed that I've cancelled out all of my video game and tv time because of it. Odd. Things feel really chaotic and surreal. Between moving into a new house, the change in weather, my change in position at work, Katie leaving me, and trying to plan this Florida thing at the last minute. Oh, and the sickness on top of it. I love you dayquil. Andy, if you are reading this, you need to email me sometime. Well, actually, anyone else who reads this, since I'm almost positive that I haven't heard from very many people in a while. Well, it goes both ways I guess. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org . "I'm shouting out to party people everywhere"-sean na na aka sean tillman aka har mar superstar. Ok, well that just about wraps up this episode. Current Mood: listless
|Friday, October 1st, 2004|
|The Sickly Sweet Colors of the Snakes I'm seeing...
Today is so much fucking better than yesterday. I talked to someone last night who took all the advice everyone has been giving me and put it in such a way to actually get through my thick fucking head. Its awesome, if I am actually allowed to use that word anymore. I'm excited to go out tonight. I won't be the lonely heartbroken person anymore. Yeah, it still fucking hurts, but nothing that I haven't found out how to deal with. I might get to go to morrisey this month, see some friends,and get the fuck out of kansas city! Current Mood: refreshed
|Wednesday, September 29th, 2004|
|Goddamn You Half Japanese Girls...You do it to me every time..
So as far as I can reckon, I think I am going through the anger phase of this whole breakup thing. Anger mainly I think at all of the walls that seem to go up daily between us. Seemingly carelessly on her part. Her laughter grates on my nerves as I try to sleep one floor below her. How could she laugh, how was this so hard for her in the beginning when I was supportive, and so easy now that I have no support at all. We see each other daily, with the whole living together thing still in effect until she gets a new place. All that passes between us are awkward words of two people forced to deal with a situation still. I don't understand how everything that we built up for these years is so easily dismissed by her. It really makes me jaded to relationships, or just people in general I guess. That it could be like a switch always there in the background waiting to be flipped to end the connection. Maybe I'm just spouting what everyone else already knows. A little behind am I eh? I kept checking in on myself during the relationship to see if I could handle it if we were to ever separate. You know, just to make sure that I wasn't becoming co-dependant or losing my sense of identity. Well that was a waste of time because nothing really prepared me for the fucking intense kick to the stomach every day that I come home from work realizing that nothing is going to be the same. Everybody keeps telling me to not let it get to me and to think of the future. Yeah well, thats not working out so well for me right now. Give me a minute though, it comes in waves. Mostly memories of time spent together and further separating our stuff. Oh, that and The Cure. Thank you Robert Smith for seeming to always make things so bitter-sweet. And so ends tonights rant... Current Mood: cynical
|Monday, September 27th, 2004|
|Trudging Slowly Over Wet Sand...
Well well well, look who we come crawling back to after so many years. Could it be that the comfort of being in love negates me from writing and only the ripping of the heart out of our dear narrators chest drives me back to the typing of these words. I glimpsted the shining fucking star of love and am now blind with angst. I love my high school poetry to describe such feelings. I thought it might be something to be worked out as the TV tells me but to my surprise it was already lost. So now I try to understand what the fuck I am supposed to do from here after 3 1\2 years. Just move on eh? Ah, fuck it, this entry is done for now.... Current Mood: depressed